Fan Fiction Comedy: "Fucking Noah Mate"

This was the piece I wrote for Fan Fiction Comedy on the 10th of April. This is my version of the movie "Noah" which I pretty much hated from the opening credits to the lights coming up.  Who am I kidding?  I didn't wait for the credits to come up.  I was out of there.  I know I was in the minority with this film and that stacks of people liked it so I stress:  I'm not having a go at you if you liked it.  I'm just saying it did nothing for me. Between Anthony Hopkins eating berries and drugging his family, stone angels that looked like they had escaped from "Clash of the Titans" and Russell Crowe at the end of the movie going all "Mad Monday" I literally sat next to my friend Kathleen and continuously remarked, "What the fuck is going on with this movie?"  In the end the only way I could enjoy the film was to pretend this was the way Rusty talked to his family when no one is around and Darren Aronofsky had secretly made a documentary.

Anyway I thought for Fan Fiction Comedy I would write a version of "Noah" that would allow Rusty to Aussie the shit out of it.  I've also placed a couple of pictures of the cake the kids made for me and the beautifully illustrated box it was presented in.

Enjoy!

 

Fucking Noah Mate

 

There was a flood coming.  Noah could feel it in his bones.  He also had the seven-day weather forecast in front of him and while today was quite warm by Sunday it was going to be torrential.  Noah knew what time it was.

“Time for a fucking beer mate,” said Noah.

“What about the flood?” his beautiful but underwritten wife remarked.

“I’ll get those fucking stone angels to start it off and then I’ll get into it after I knock off this six pack, mate.”

The stone angels that lived next door to Noah had been reportedly thrown out of Heaven but some people were starting to suspect they had actually escaped from the movie “Clash of the Titans” only to be lumbered with another Aussie action hero who liked a tinny and a pie.

Noah walked out the back and called out to the angels.

“Oy, you lot.  I need you to start building my fucking Ark.  The flood is here on Sunday and we’re behind schedule.”

The stone angels looked at each other and sighed.

“At least that other Aussie action hero was actually Australian,” lamented stone angel one.

“Ssshhhh, don’t let him hear you or he’ll make us listen to his band again,” cautioned stone angel two.

Noah took a leak on the side of the house and watched his pee burn through the stone foundation.

“Crikey.  You better drink some water,” said Noah’s son Ham.

“What?  You think I’m some kinda nancy boy?  Fuck that.  Besides, there’ll be plenty of water by Sunday.”

Noah laughed but Ham was not amused.  Ham didn’t find anything amusing since he was named after a pig product that they weren’t allowed to eat.  The dichotomy of Noah was that he was a real man’s man but also a vegetarian.  Every time he found a dead animal slain by the children of Cain he would cremate it so its spirit could go to Heaven.

This was particularly cruel because everybody knows the most powerful smell in the world is that of a B.B.Q. and if you want your children to be vegetarians then maybe you should tease them by making them smell charcoaled meat.

“I’m going up to see Grandpa Methuselah to have a chat about how we’re going to get these fucking animals into the ark,” said Noah.  Off he trundled to the house out the back where Methuselah was making his crazy old man moonshine.

“Why hello Noah,” said Methuselah.

“G’day Methuselah.  Did you hear the seven-day forecast?  Floods on Sunday.  I’m making an Ark to save us all.”

Methuselah washed down some berries with his moonshine and farted a melody that sounded not unlike the music for “I Dream Of Jeannie”.

“Ah yes.  I know why God is angry.  A census taker tried to test me so I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Noah was furious.

“For fuck’s sake Meth-head.  We’re meant to be fucking vegetarians and you’ve eaten another of God’s census.  Strewth.”

Methuselah wandered over to Noah with a glass of water.

“Here you go Noah, this will calm your nerves.”

“This bullshit won’t knock me out will it?”

Methuselah placed his hand to his chest in pain.

“Why would you say something like that to an old man?  Trust me.”

Noah knocked it back and crushed the cup in his hand like a real man drinks a beer.  Immediately Noah’s head began to spin.’

“Oh for fuck’s sake. You’ve roofied me you crazy old coot.”

“Yes, I appear that I have,” Methuselah replied.  He caught Noah as he fell to the ground.  “By the way Noah.  I love the suit.”

“But I’m not even wearing a suit you crazy…”

Noah was out like a light.  He dreamed of a better world.  Noah dreamed of a world where vegetarians could live in peace; where “not dogs” and “facon” could be bought at outrageously low prices and beer could be pissed into a cup and sculled immediately.  Noah saw the flood and knew that he was the only person that could save them all.  Now all he had to do was wake up out of this drug stupor but it was difficult.  Somewhere in the distance he could hear Iggy Pop’sLust For Life”.  Suddenly Noah felt himself running down the streets of Glasgow.

“Choose life.  Choose a job.  Choose a career.  Choose an ark.  Choose some big fucking angels to do your job.  Choose a great actress to play your wife then don’t utilise her properly.  Choose a pork-based name for your son and then don’t let him eat pork.  Choose three different haircuts that appear for no reason while nobody else gets to even wash.  Choose rugby.  Choose hanging out with Anthony Hopkins when his career his shot.  Choose your future.  Choose life.  But why would you do a thing like that?  I chose animals and a big fucking ark.  What the fuck?  Why didn’t I choose a stadium tour for my band?  Fuck’s sake.  Isn’t there any beer in this dream?”

Noah woke with a start. He looked around and found himself on the ark surrounded by animals and his family.

“For fuck’s sake.  How long have I been out?”

“About seven weeks,” replied the other son who I didn’t bother to find out his name but he did have a pretty beard.

“Fucking Methuselah.  What an arsehole.”

Suddenly from outside there was a loud bang as the ark ran aground.

“We’ve found land,” said Ham quite hammily.

Everybody walked out onto the land, the air smelling fresh and clean, the evil of the previous world washed away.  Noah put his arm around his wife and looked at his sons.  Suddenly his son with the pretty beard put his arm around a girl Noah didn’t know was on the ark.

“Crikey.  Why is Hermione Granger on this ark?”

“We’re married dad,” said beardy son.  “And we have two children. You have two beautiful granddaughters Dad.”

Noah wanted to cry but remembered that only gays cry so to prove he was still a man he punched Ham in the snout.  After he gathered himself he took his hirsute son and new daughter in law and hugged them.

“Thanks kids.  You’ve made me proud.  And the best thing is when they’re old enough your brothers can have sex with them and we can repopulate the world.  Nice one God, nice one ark and nice one lack of judicial system that would surely frown upon this in the future.”

And they all lived happily inbred ever after.

 

Justin Hamilton

11th of April, 2014

Fitzroy North