Gig 53: Fan Fiction Comedy

Time for part three of my new Batman trilogy set in the world of the Christopher Nolan universe.  I love Fan Fiction Comedy and have really enjoyed putting way too much effort into this.  Each chapter has been a hilarious labour of love and it brings me such joy to be onstage with them and then reading out my so very serious stories. I won't go into much here but in the next couple of weeks I'll put all three chapters together and if you're really keen to see just how many layers are here and how nerdy it gets, I'll add annotations that will have a lot of you shaking your heads in disbelief.  It really is proof that I am a single man in his forties.

Fleety was the other guest and he nailed it in 100% Fleety fashion, it was glorious! Here's a cool looking photo of him onstage reading his story:



If you want to read the previous two chapters you can read part one here and part two here.  Also, if you're nowhere as nerdy as me, here is a picture of Professor Pyg from the Batman comics just so you can add the visuals to the rest of the characters.  As always there was theme music playing underneath and this I wore a Batman smoking jacket for the performance.  No need to ask why I spend a lot of time alone but on the plus side I'm quite happy.

Now prepare yourself for part 3 of my epic Batman tale!


Fan Fiction Comedy: The Dark Knights Return


I had the most extraordinary dream last night.

You were in it.

I could feel the numbness creeping through my chest.  If it had been a heart attack I was done for.  It would have been a good death.

But not good enough.

I could hear the crowd raging, bone snapping, flesh tearing, they were ripping Professor Pyg apart but I had to get to you.  I had to know if it was you underneath that mask.

When Selina and I had initially returned to Gotham we visited one of my many hiding places.  I had slipped into the costume, the original armour and ventured into the night.  I should have been a mass of aching bones and muscles, broken, spent, unable to move.  But I’m a man of thirty…of twenty again.  The rain on my chest was a baptism.

I was born again.

“I see you’ve retained your flair for the dramatic Master Wayne.”

It was good to know that Alfred hadn’t lost his sense of humour.

“Hello Miss Kyle,” said Alfred.

“You’re looking as handsome as ever.  Florence was good for you,” she replied.

“I like to keep fit, a couple of push ups here and there.”

The banter was quick.  We had little time in which to work.

Alfred had pinpointed where Blake had disappeared.  The gangs that swarmed the streets of Gotham had over powered Gordon and his men.  Pyg had conducted surgery on his gang, sewing pig masks onto their faces.  By the time we had triangulated the position of where the gangs were based we knew there was only one place Professor Pyg and the Joker could be.

Arkham Asylum.

A fitting kingdom for the clown prince of madness.

“Do keep an eye on him Miss Kyle,” asked Alfred.

“In that suit how could I not?”

The clocks struck midnight by which time we had met with Lucius Fox at the top of the rebuilt Wayne Enterprises.

“I need to get into Arkham without setting off the alarms.”

“I think I might have just what you need,” Lucius responded.

In my absence he had returned Wayne Enterprises to its rightful position and I was once again a dead billionaire.  Good thing I had left all my money to Alfred.  Lucius took us to a small make shift room on top of Wayne Towers.

“I had this moved up here when Alfred told me you were returning,” Lucius said opening the door.  “This here is an AH-64 Apache helicopter, it has a sophisticated two seat attack system and advance electronics and air ground weapons.  It also has built in AWACS and satellite imagery.  Good for getting in and out of areas with minimal fuss.  I call it…”

“Please don’t give it a name with the word “Bat” in it,” interrupted Selina.

“I’m above those types of jokes Miss Kyle,” Lucius replied, his eyes sparkling.

We flew in low over the city and straight to Arkham.

“The gang members that Professor Pyg has transformed to attack the city are acting sporadically, as if motivated by fear.  I’m going to get you in close and drop you at the top, see what you can find.”

Selina reached into her bag for something.

“No guns,” I reminded her.

“Where’s the fun in that,” she replied.  “Besides, I have something more interesting for later.”

Removing the whip Selina winked at me and leapt from the helicopter onto the roof.  I continued my silent reconnaissance in the shadows, using the heat seeking radar to pick up on what was happening deep inside Arkham.

Selina crept through the dark, her night vision goggles letting her slip by raving lunatics and pig faced gang members until she found the room where the surgeries were taking place.  She peered in through the door at the gang member on the operating table having the pig mask sewn into the top of his face while gas was pumped into his mouth.  Not anaesthetic gas but a fear gas.  There in the caverns of madness Selina watched my old friend the Scarecrow build Proffesor Pyg’s army.

Outside the police were patrolling the city but were uncertain where the gang were amassing for their attack.  I found them in the hallways to the entrance to Arkham, the asylum’s staff chained and hung from the railings.  I had Alred contact Gordon on a secure line to let him know not only where Pyg’s gang were but also my plan of attack.  I would create a diversion that would scare the gangs out onto the streets where Gordon’s men could apprehend them but first I had to find where the Joker was holding Blake captive.

The helicopter picked up three figures alone at the top of the asylum, locked away from prying eyes.  I used the shotgun microphone on the helicopter to eavesdrop and heard the familiar cackle of the Joker.

“After we send Pyg’s men out we head straight to the television station to give Gotham news of our little surprise,” the Joker confessed.

“I’m not afraid of you and neither is Gotham,” replied Blake.  I was relieved to know he was still alive.

“Oh you should be.  Pyg, time to go.”

So Professor Pyg was the third person in the room.  I didn’t have time to wait for Gordon’s men.  It was time to act.

I set the helicopter to auto pilot training the missiles on the back half of the entrance to Arkham.  This asylum had become a breeding ground for insects and rodents.  Some rodents fly.  I leapt from the helicopter and glided to the top of the asylum.

Inside the Joker had pulled a knife and put it in Blake’s mouth.

“Why don’t you remove my mask and look me in the eye like a man,” Blake asked.

“Because I don’t care who you are underneath the mask.  All I know is you’re not him.  Now come here.”

Blake struggled but the Joker pulled him in close.  Later Blake would tell me his breath smelt of milk.

“Do you know want to know how I got these scars?  You see I had a brother, a brother without a sense of humour.  I just wanted to make him smile, see the funny side.  I told him funny little jokes but he still wouldn’t laugh.  Then one day he snaps and attacks me.  I say to him, “Why so serious?” You see he’d died inside; he couldn’t laugh anymore.  I implored him, “Let me put a smile on your face” but instead of listening to my grand joke he attacks me.  I thought he was going to kill me but he couldn’t let me go.  He stops and saves me and that was when I knew we were going to do this forever.”  The Joker pauses.  “Now why are you so serious?”

“Because the joke has no punch line.”

I leapt through the dark and threw the Joker to the ground.  His eyes gleamed like silver coins in the shadows.

“Now that is more like it!”

Using the back of my gauntlets I tore the shackles from Blake.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Gordon is going to need you, the gangs are amassing at the entrance to Gotham but they’re going to need a leader to take on Pyg and this madness.  You can be that symbol.”

“When do we start our attack?” Blake asks.


I pressed a button and the helicopter fired two missiles into the back of Arkham.

“What about the Joker?”

“The Joker’s mine!”

At the point the missiles fired Selina made her move.  The gang members in the room panicked and pulled out their knives not knowing what was happening.

“Didn’t your mother tell you not to run with sharp objects?”

She took down three gang members with ease before Scarecrow turned and unleashed his fear spray.

“Aren’t you afraid of the big dog in this room?” Scarecrow called from behind his mask.

“You’re forgetting something Scarecrow.”  She snapped her whip and Scarecrow dropped to the ground.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of a dog who’s been spade.”

Scarecrow underestimated Selina.  She has no fears, not anymore.  His gas was useless on her.

Selina pulled the patient to his feet but he was already dead, the surgery interrupted, his face bleeding from underneath the pig mask.  She ran to the front of Arkham to find Pyg’s gang members hopped up on fear gas pouring out of the asylum toward the police.  She despaired for a moment knowing the odds were against us.  She could see the police panicking.

And then above it all, she saw Blake.


“Follow me.  Tonight we are the law.  I am the law.”

He leapt into the crowd and the police followed his lead.  Blake was making his way towards the top of the stairs where Professor Pyg had arrived spraying more fear gas from one of Scarecrow’s canisters.

“So many choices.  I’m overwhelmed by the choices!” Screamed Pyg.

While this was happening I chased the Joker into the dark heart of Arkham.  His voice echoed throughout the empty halls.

“You and I had a yin/yang thing.  Holmes and Moriarty, Tweety and Sylvester, hats and gloves.  Then you went away and left me behind.  You didn’t even come by Arkham to say goodbye.”

He wasn’t far but the echoes were disorientating.  I could tell he was also spraying the fear gas backwards as he ran through the dark.

“I got close to the new Batman by pretending to be a hero.  He was so naïve to my little joke, the Gravedigger, the man who would dig up the past and expose Gotham for what it really deserves.”

Finally he had come to a halt.  He was daring me to approach.  I watched for a moment from the dark.

“You thought you could understand me like there was some rabbit hole you could follow me into.  I’m going to help you understand.  It’s so simple.  It is all a joke.  And I know the final gag.”

I grab him around the neck and feel his blade slip into my stomach.  His frenzied stabbing continued even as I applied pressure to his throat, his laughter filling my soul until my thoughts were slammed shut.  I would not kill him.

But I had to stop him.

His neck cracked and he slumped to the ground.  I put pressure on the bleeding from my stomach.

“I’m really very disappointed in you my sweet,” he whispered.  “The moment was perfect for you to finally end this and you didn’t have the nerve.  Paralysis.  Really?”

“It ends here.”

“Oh it does.  And I have one more card left to play.  While you dance with me under the pale moonlight, I can leave this world knowing the joke is on you.”

With a Devil’s strength he twists his neck until it snaps, his laughter filling the room.  I was bleeding but I had to know what the Joker’s last trick was.  What could it be?

Professor Pyg.

Pygmalion.  A legendary Greek figure that fell in love with a statue he had carved.  It was also a play about class structure and transformation.

I suddenly knew what the Joker was playing at.

I raced through Arkham to join the battle.

Outside Blake and Selina were doing their best to fight their way to Professor Pyg on the top of the stairs.  The police and the gangs were at a stalemate as Pyg pumped more fear gas into the crowd.  I arrived at the top of Arkham and looked down at the crowd.  I leapt.  I had to know if I was right about Pyg.  I glided through the night with fire and terror raging about me.  At the last second Pyg turned to face me.

“You!” He screamed as my foot slammed into his fear canister.  It slipped from his hands and cracked as it hit the ground releasing the remains of the fear gas into the air.  His gang members were immediately infected, pumped beyond control and when they saw Pyg lying on the ground, half his mask torn away, his true face revealed, they turned on him, screaming, crying, laughing.  They were ripping him apart.  If I didn’t act soon there would be nothing left but I had to know.  The explosion had left me feeling numb but I rose to my feet, the screaming filling the night air.

I focused and pushed through the gang, throwing men aside and grabbing Pyg in my arms before aiming my grappling gun at the roof.  We ascended to the top of Arkham, above the madmen, above the chaos.  The police below were gaining the upper hand, Gordon co-ordinating his people, a born leader taking charge.  In the dark I removed what was left of Pyg’s mask to reveal the face underneath.

Harvey Dent.

His back had broken that fateful night he had kidnapped Gordon’s family but he hadn’t died.  I had moved him to Arkham where only a few specialists knew we had him hidden.  We attempted to bring him back from the madness that consumed him.  Gordon knew but didn’t approve.  I had attempted to be a better man, the man Gotham needed, the type of man my father would have been proud of.  I had tried so hard to help Gotham with my technology and knowledge.

We were thrown off course by the scourge of Bane and Talia.  Once they had been defeated we had looked for Dent and the Joker but found nothing.  We thought they had died under Bane’s occupation but now I knew how wrong we had been.  Instead the Joker had taken him and turned him into the instrument for destruction he had always suspected Dent could be.

I called the helicopter in via the autopilot and placed Dent’s body inside.  It was time to give him a proper burial.

From behind I heard a voice.

“So I guess my time as Batman is over?” Blake asked.  I hadn’t heard him sneak up on me.  Nice.

“We can work this out.  We have to rebuild Gotham.  We can do this as a team.  You, me...”

From the shadows Selina emerged.

“…And a girl makes three,” she finished.

“I’ll have to take up a new alter ego,” Blake said.

“Maybe you could name yourself after a cute little bird?” Selina suggested playfully.

It was time to move.  The sun was rising.  The cool of the night air was beginning to burn away as the light returned.  I’m back in Gotham.  There will be obstacles to overcome but this is where I belong.  I had a dream and you were in it.

All of you.

I no longer have to be alone.

This is a good life.

Good enough.

The End



That was epic, right?

Honestly the most fun I had working on anything this comedy festival, keep an eye out of the annotated blog in the next week or so!


Justin Hamilton

14th of April, 2013

Fitzroy North