This was originally written for Time Out Melbourne and reveals just how busy I truly am...thinking!
Disappointed to wake up from a dream where I star in a cracking movie. Still, I congratulate myself on being a comedian who bucks the cliché and actually wakes up at a real grown up’s time.
Actually decide to get out of bed.
This is going to be a little bit sexy so I apologise in advance but here it goes: take sleep apnoea device out of my mouth and do exercises to put jaw back into place. What was that noise? It sounded like women swooning? I warned you!
Head to Mario’s on Brunswick St for breakfast and knock back three espressos with my poached eggs, spinach, mushrooms, a little bit of fetta and some lemon all placed lovingly on multi-grain bread.
Attempt to overcome jigging legs and anxious feelings vowing not to have three espressos tomorrow.
Go to gym and the vain hope that I am actually defeating the aging process.
I return home with my self-esteem soaring.
Stare at myself in the mirror convincing myself I can still see muscle definition in my stomach.
Place glasses back on my face and realise that there is no muscle definition. Self-esteem is now plummeting.
Lay on my bed lamenting the passing of my youth.
Head to Mario’s for lunch where I order any pasta dish on the menu that I add mushrooms to. Convince myself that eating pasta in the day will not put on weight. Accidentally order another two espressos.
I lay on my bed feeling my heart palpitate. I convince my anxious thoughts that I will definitely not have more than two espressos tomorrow.
Ignition: write like a demon concentrating on new stand up material, my manuscript or day in the life articles. I don’t care man, I just write the shit out of whatever is in front of me.
I reward myself with a snack for doing so much writing.
Act bored and defensive with anyone who calls me.
Lay on my bed thinking how much I love David Bowie, Grant Morrison, Christopher Nolan, George Clooney and Brad Pitt.
Lay on my bed thinking how much I’d love to date Emily Blunt regardless of the fact she is married and I don’t know her.
Get ready for whatever gig I am going to.
Arrive at gig. Pretend to know what anyone is talking about. Only really feel comfortable when I’m onstage in front of strangers talking at them. Thinking constantly about how much I loved The Dark Knight Rises while I tell jokes.
Arrive home sober and feel comfortable with the fact that I am bored with drinking.
Wish I could go to sleep promising myself tomorrow I will actually not drink any coffee or eat any chocolate.
Realise I haven’t eaten any chocolate for the day so I get up, eat some and return to bed.
I fall asleep and dream of Emily Blunt and I starring in Christopher Nolan’s new film written by Grant Morrison with co-stars Brad Pitt and George Clooney and a soundtrack by David Bowie. I hope I don’t wake up disappointed.
26th of September, 2012