THE INFREQUENT NEWSLETTER THAT LETS YOU KNOW IT IS OKAY TO IGNORE THE REST OF THE WORLD WHEN OLYMPIC GOLD IS AT STAKE! NEWSFLASH: STEAMED STEPHANIE RICE OFF THE MENU
After Stephanie Rice’s failure at the 2012 Olympics Australians have finally had enough. “She let us all down,” remarked Glenn on his Twitter feed @fatfuckfromfrankston. “I know nothing about sport but she is quite clearly not working hard enough. Less photos of you in a bikini and more dedication to your sport Steph!” Nice one Glenn. Sally, a 14 year-old-girl from Gympie remarked to her 789 friends on Facebook, “Like, if Stephanie really wanted to do us proud she would have won gold. And she’s fat.” Thank goodness for Sally, a real Australian telling it like it is.
SHARAPOVA EATEN ALIVE
After demolishing Maria Sharapova in the women’s Gold medal game at the tennis, Serena Williams not only humiliated the ice queen but also devoured her with a glass of Rose after the match.
“It seemed like the right thing to do,” Serena said wiping Sharapova from her lips.
Sharapova’s entourage was caught completely by surprise.
“We were watching her face the whole game and had no idea she was losing until we looked at the scoreboard. She always seems so angry even when she wins, we had no idea she was being thrashed.”
Not only thrashed but steamed, cooked and served with some string beans.
“Delicious,” Serena remarked when asked about the final. Indeed!
AUSTRALIA THE WORST COUNTRY EVER…LIKE EVER
The Olympic bubble has truly burst with a lack of Gold coming home to this golden country.
“I don’t know what went wrong,” claimed James Magnussen. “I’m good looking, girls dig me and I thought I was going to win Gold. How did it go wrong?”
Eamon Sullivan chimed in.
“We expected James to get us a lead in the 4 x 100 freestyle relay and when he didn’t we figured well, what do we now?” A dejected Eamon claimed. When asked about a plan B for their pet event Eamon replied, “Plan B?”
Cate Campbell had this to say, “Um…I don’t mean to be rude but we did win Australia’s only gold so far in the 4 x 100m freestyle. No one expected that to happen, isn’t that a feel good story?”
Easy there Cate, Australians don’t like braggarts. We’ll pay more attention to you the next time you fail, in the meantime, be a good sport and stop pointing out that you’re better at sport than our good looking fellas.
PHELPS A FAILURE WITH FOUR GOLD AND TWO SILVER
Michael Phelps realised that he’d let everyone down.
“I’d like to apologise to everyone for only winning four gold this year,” a clearly emotional Phelps told a packed pressroom. “If only I hadn’t pulled that sweet bong four years ago I probably would have not only won all my swimming events but had an opportunity to add to my tally in the Dressage, the coxless fours and that crazy trampoline shit.”
While he is a disappointment at least Phelps had the good grace to acknowledge his dismal Olympics. “I know I’ve let down the US of A but it could be worst, I could swim for Australia.”
Ha, ha, nice one Phelpsy. Meanwhile Australia prepares for a ticker tape parade for some of our greatest 2012 Olympians headed by Bernard Tomic, the 12th man on the Boomers and the guy who cuts the oranges for the volleyball teams.
“Um…seriously, we actually did win a gold medal for Australia,” Cate Campbell chimed in again.
Um…seriously Cate, when are you going to start spelling your name correctly and stop hounding us serious journalists who are just trying to do our job? We spend our lives reading Facebook and Twitter boards to discover what ordinary Australians think, the last thing we need is a winner telling us how shit the rest of us are.
And that is why we will always embrace the well named “Weapons of Mass Destruction” swimming team who, just like Saddam’s original weapons, were a product of hype and never actually turned up.
THE TASTY BYTE: WE GIVE THE ILL INFORMED A SENSE THAT MAYBE THEY KNOW MORE SHIT THAN THE PEOPLE WHO DO STUFF.