Dongle Kicking

As the world falls apart at the seams and idiotic humans argue over about saving the world the right way, their way, I kicked my dongle and it was glorious.  No that is not a euphemism, I literally kicked my dongle with such wonderful precision I immediately fired off an email to the Olympics insisting they make it a part of the 2012 Games as I would definitely bring home gold.  The irony being I couldn’t send my letter as my dongle now resided in someone else’s yard thus proving I too am as bad as every other human who thinks in the short term without thinking of the long term pain. Having inconsistent Internet connections is a seriously warped Western issue to have.  There are people starving in the world.  There are people who can’t even take a piss without the fear of an artillery shell going off near them.  There are people who can’t find clean water to drink on a regular basis.  Meanwhile in the West, we complain that we can’t find a barista who can serve us a decaf soy skinny latte without giving us a look of superiority we usually only accept from people who work at JB Hi Fi.  White comedians with rippled muscles and tan complexions make a sweet buck by admitting they have no idea how to approach women “because I’m just so shy”.  Footballers who are paid a pretty dollar to kick a pig skin and run in circles claim “Don’t look up to me, I’m not a role model” while gladly promoting their trophy wives appearing in adverts wearing expensive jewellery and dresses.  We’re all guilty of thinking too much about unimportant issues while real people deal with real issues all the time.

Just recently there has been much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands over the Marvel Comics decision to not only kill off Peter Parker in their Ultimate Spiderman universe but to replace him with a half Hispanic/half Black teenager named Miles Morales.  People are getting upset forgetting two important facts:  This takes place in an alternate universe to the Spiderman that started in the 60’s; that Spiderman is still swinging after all these years and even has a new movie coming out starring the so white he must be English Andrew Garfield.  Second fact:  Spiderman isn’t real.  Get over it.  Why be upset about a new character taking up the mantle of the dead Peter Parker by becoming the new Spiderman?  It isn’t like they’re changing the race of Peter but to be honest, that wouldn’t bother me either.  I’ve enjoyed the Black Nick Fury a lot more than the David Hasselhoff original and I’m embracing the idea of a black Perry White in the new Superman movie, especially since he will be played by the too cool for school Laurence Fishburn.  We have plenty of white role models, how about providing new characters that the rest of the world can identify with?

But I digress.

My Internet connection has been causing me much strife of late proving I am no better than any of those other people with so called inner city Western problems.  While it has been annoying in the city it has been utterly more irritating on the road where I have been known to hold my computer on an angle for 37 minutes in the hope of firing off a two sentence email.  I’ve been meaning to change my service provider for a number of months but like most Westerners find myself easily distracted by HBO series, cake and the fear of dying without leaving any legacy.

A couple of days ago my Internet dropped out in the morning.  I went to the gym (another tick in the “insufferable inner city dude” box thank you) and when I returned it still wasn’t working.  I wandered down to Mario’s for a snack (one more tick thanks) and once again when I returned it did not work.  I have been in touch with my service provider before about them fixing this and it has translated into hours on hold that I will never get back so rather than call anyone this time I calmly plucked it out of my computer, walked to the balcony and kicked it.  It was fantastic.  I kicked truly and it flew so far it should have a stewardess on it.  (Joke provided by the Bull Durham quote machine) I watched it fly through the air, over a passing tram and bounce off the roof of the two-storey building across the road.  I then calmly walked in and started making inquiries for a new Internet service, which I must say, is working out just fine.

I hope when I have a real problem rear it’s ugly head I can approach it with the same calmness that I kicked my dongle but will work out a battle plan before acting on such whiny whims.

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

5th of August, 2011