Welcome to 2011 ladies, gentleman and that man dude in the corner, To start off the year I have a guest writer, the famed spunk from Australia’s best musical trio Gatesy. The G Man and I have been best of friends for over a decade and have a relationship that is best described as brothers in arms; he is the Sultan of Swing to my Money for Nothing. We also love nothing more than an intellectual wrestle (and when I say intellectual I mean two men in their late thirties who love to disagree like 17 year old girls who aren’t pretty enough to meet boys) especially when it comes to movies. In a recent blog (which you can read here) I called Gatesy out as another part of our fun movie sniping and I sent it to him to have a read. Well not only did he read it but he’s written a reply! Brilliant! Now the world of Hamiltown is a land of equal opportunity and freedom of speech so in keeping with that ideal here is Gatesy’s retort. I’m certain this trans-hemisphere battle of the half wits will finally allow fans across the world to be able to choose who their favourite comedian is, a choice that will be up there between Han and Luke, Jack and Sawyer, Melody and Josie.
So without further ado, please welcome to the digital pulpit, all the way from the three part harmonies that emanate from down under…GATESY!
Hello readers. My name is Gatesy- if all things go to plan, i'm a guest blogger on Hammo's site. If I fail, you wouldn't be reading this so...
Now I love my mate Hammo with all my heart. I love the fact that he's the only one who can make me laugh so hard my brain bleeds out my ears. I love that his loyalty to Bowie means that nothing, I mean NOTHING, Bowie does is shit; even if bowie was taking a shit, it wouldn't be shit. But one of my biggest loves is the fact that we can check out a movie together, skip out of the cinema elated like it was the last day of school, or drag our sorry knuckles along the footpath, just having been soul-raped by a stinker. Sure, there might be the odd 'okay' or 'serviceable' movie, upon which we enjoy light, semi-intelligent discourse, perhaps over a cup of tea and a biscuit.
You see I'm no paid film critic; I'm just a dude who loves his movies... Alright, I do share the lofty belief that a movie-event is much like a modern religious experience; to godless monkeys like us it's the closest thing we have to going to church. I reckon most of us look forward to the new blockbuster hitting our screens and can't wait to band together on opening day like The Band playing their favourite The Band songs, really loving the fact they're in a band called The Band. And i guess, like any contention over personal religious proclivities, we each take our differing movie experiences a little too seriously- but readers- therein lies the utter JOY!
Now Hammo and I often agree on the smaller aspects of most films but there are certain things we lock horns over: such as the ENTIRE PREMISE OF HIS LA LAW PT 3 BLOG! Now in the spirit of good-natured adoration for the man, I would like to have some kind of right of reply, as I'm often cited as 'the friend' in his funny comedy skits regarding movies. Since he named me in his blog this time, i hope he gives me the opportunity to air my view on his site. I also hope he appreciates my use of the word 'skit'.
To begin with, I don't get to go to the movies very often, and, contrary to what Hammo reckons, I walk into each movie like a Dillon Panther walks onto a fictitious football field: Clear eyes. Full heart. Can't lose! However I do possess a terrible, seemingly antisocial affliction- I react to stimulus physically. If something really impresses me, I'll involuntarily cheer. If someone says something that confuses me, my eyes twitch. If something just sounds wrong, my whole face winces. If something disappoints me, i'll sigh or go, "ooohhh". I know, I know. I really try not to, especially in a movie-theatre, but when I'm amongst friends my guard is down and it just happens..
Now some of my very favourite movie experiences come out of seeing a god-awful movie with Hammo; the drag queen who sat behind us groaning all the way through King Kong saved the film for me. "This is bullshit!" she cried upon her exit. "And right you are sir/ma'am"' I thought. Another time, Hammo had me bewildered for a good 5 minutes after the abysmal 30 Days of Night when he said, "I loved that!" Of course he didn't; he just wanted to get a rise out of me. He nailed it and it was hilarious.
But let's talk good films: in particular The Dark Knight. We both agree that The Dark Knight is a freaking awesome movie, and I have re-watched it several times since I proclaimed that Gary Oldman's speech at the end 'took me out of it a bit.' Sometimes it takes a second view to realise what the film-maker was trying to do- and I use the word 'trying' for a reason. (oooh, i can hear Hammo's teeth gnashing now) But as Hammo says," You know what should've taken you out of it a bit? The fact that the guy is dressed up like a bat!?!" No, Non. Neit, uh-uh, Hold up I say.. The true greatness of Christopher Nolan's Batman films is that he pains-takingly addresses every aspect of the world and presents a most awe-inspring and 'believable' vision of a seemingly ridiculous idea. That's why it's so magical; I totally buy why the guy dresses up like a bat and fights crime. I'm sold! I'm in! Nolan transcends the comic book genre making The Batman into, I dunno, fucking ace cinema! (I mean just look at Nolan's Inception movie- with the right back story, the guy could make a four-sided circle convince everyone it was a triangle- he is a genius.) On the other hand, Burton's pitch-perfect-hyper-gothic art deco Batman is a work of such tear-inducing 'beauty' that it could easily stand proudly beside Nolan's piece and go, "Check out me nuts!"... and it's about the same crazy guy dressed up as the same stupid bat.
While we're on the topic of outrageous premises- Ironman is a movie about a rich, smart-mouth-techno-nerd-ladies man who builds himself a super-deluxe war suit with a pacemaker more powerful than a nuclear reactor thrown in! Ridiculous; nerds don't get chicks. Yet it's still a vivid, funny, brilliantly crafted piece of Hollywood hoorayness. Here's an idea: what about a story of a sad, unemployed puppeteer who finds a portal into the mind of John Malkovich playing a fictional version of himsel... Oh, fuck me what a movie! Still my favourite. Mental premises often make the most wicked movies; making them enjoyable is all about getting the tone right. Movies are like people- the best ones know who they are.
But sometimes a movie can know itself so well that it slaps you in the face for the split second it drops the ball and runs into the street shouting, -"We're all Oranges! Look at me- I'm weeing!"-before heading back inside to hold its awesome ball of being an ace movie...? For example, XMEN- but wait on Gatesy what do you expect? XMEN is about super mutants who- Shuttup! You remember that Halle Berry's character Storm is a chick who controls the elements? I know right, what could be more unbelievably mental than that?! Oh, I know- The line she's given at the end of her epic battle with Toad. The moment where she stands strong and really lets him have it; It's Storm's only big moment in the film.. “You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning?" she asks. "The same thing that happens to everything else.” ...Yep that's it- Zap!....That was a cinema-moment that copped a bit more than a gentle sigh I can tell you. I thought: What?!?!? The fuck?!?! Someone wrote that? And was paid? And they shot it? Added effects? Edited it?!? Etc etc.. I'm sure I certainly annoyed Hammo that day readers, what with my relentless, "How could they do that?!" and "it was great but THAT bit!!?!" remarks.
So in the end, my point is- it's a movie. It's okay to take a position kids. Go with your gut. Make wild observations directly after seeing the film- who knows, perhaps a crazed debate will ensue, forcing you and your friend to get personal- it doesn't matter, they're your mate- they know you better than anyone. And if we live in a world where we can't give it a bit of, "My God's better than your God", let's get stuck into a bit of, "Whaddya mean when you say Happiness is BRILLIANT?!" We gotta get something out of it. Its all about fun and having firm views without guns makes the world more interesting.
Speaking of firm views, why don't I close on some more heart-felt/broad but totally worthwhile declarations while I'm here? Good idea Steven.. I don't want aliens in my Indiana Jones movies- I really don't. I don't want politics and/or science in my Star Wars movies- leave The Force alone! I don't want anyone who can't hold a tune doing movie musicals anymore- unless they properly Rex Harrison/Roger Moore the mo-fo. I don't want pig for dinner in my TRON movies. I don't want a new Mad Max movie. I do want a Knight Rider movie- starring me. But most of all, I don't want any more dead-eyed, humourless, talky-reporting, first-draft bullshit dialogue in place of something true. Hire Hammo to script-edit your movie before the froth-mouthed fuckwits waste all that sweet dosh on your piece of rubbish. Sure, Hammo'll say your dialogue can be unbelievable at first, because after all it's only a movie about a paraplegic who puts himself into a super-alien-being and tries to stop an interplanetary war or some shit, but don't listen to him. He'll inject some humanity, and- man- maybe even some humour into your script making your 'already awesome-for-other-reasons' movie into a work of friggin art. YOU know and I know he was BORN to write for Sigourney! And one last big call: Downey Jnr, Depp and Tarantino? You can do what ever the fuck you want- Man you make sweet movies.
Thankyou Hammo for this opportunity. Here's to heated debate over cool things. I love you, man- is a movie I haven't seen but I hear it's pretty good.
January 4th, 2011
To get more Gatesy goodness make certain you keep up with everything Tripod is up to in the new year right here: www.3pod.com.au
And if you enjoyed having a guest writer let me know and I'll call out more people to see if we can illicit a response in the near future. I head Skod and Yonny have some firm views too...lets see what we can stir up.
January 5th, 2011