NEWSFLASH! GILLARD KISSES BABIES, ABBOTT EATS BABIES.
In an embarrassing gaffe for the Liberal party Tony Abbott had to be restrained as he tucked into his third baby on the election trail when senior officials pointed out that he should be kissing the cute little tykes rather than eating them. “But they’re so tasty,” Abbott whined as he poured béarnaise sauce over one unfortunate little boy’s head. Barnaby Jones came to his leader’s defence by pointing out it was a simple mistake and besides, “Who hasn’t accidentally eaten a baby before?” Well-played Barnaby. We’ve always believed that babies are the new white meat; it’s about time the rest of the nation caught up.
BREAKING NEWS: GILLARD SAYS WHAT SHE MEANS!
In a serious role reversal Julia Gillard has actually answered a question asked of her. When asked about the Rudd fiasco Gillard told reporters, “Look, let’s cut the crap. He’s a dweeb. What this party needed was someone with large balls to lead it back to the forefront of the nation and I was the only person who could fill out the trunks up front, if you know what I mean?” Not really Julia but who are we to argue? Then to prove she was the man for the job she promptly stood up and wrote with wee on the ground, “Fuck yeah!” Nice one Julia, you really are the shizzle!
NEWSFLASH! TONY ABBOTT BROUGHT UNDONE BY GARLIC
In a surprising set of events Tony Abbott has been repelled by garlic from a meet and greet with students. Appearing dressed as Edward at a midnight screening of “Twilight: Eclipse” Abbott was brought undone by 13 year old Stephanie Mucous who was dressed head to toe in the repellent. “I didn’t mean to scare the old dude, I was just proving my love for Team Jacob. Werewolves are rad!” Tony is said to have changed into the form of a bat and flown to safety. We’ll have more from Abbott when he rises after the sun has set.
MINERS FURY: “HOW AM I MEANT TO WASH IN COINS IF YOU TAX US!”
The head of the miner’s union Jack Sauce has declared that if Australia wants to tax the industry out of the country then go ahead. “How am I meant to keep my kids warm if I don’t have enough one hundred dollars bills? I’m going to have to clothe my kids in fifties or even worst twenties. When did we become Communists?” Labor immediately backed down from its original taxation plans and said they will provide more breaks for this bullied industry. The Liberal party responded with a press release that contained one word: “Pussies!” and then reassured the mining industry that they would do exactly the same thing to keep them happy. Whew! Finally our leaders agreeing to do the right thing!
REFUGEES TOLD: “WE HAVE NO SPACE SO FUCK OFF!”
Refugees arriving on our shores in northern Australia have been turned back due to the lack of space according to true blue Aussie Sheila Cornchip. Armed with just a musket and a love of Australia Sheila managed to turn away three sinking ships with her true blue aim. When one refugee pointed out there was a huge desert behind her Sheila responded, “That’s Trevor’s place, he’s putting up a pool, don’t be so selfish to take up his backyard.” You’re a winner Sheila! All the refugees were turned back except for three sporty looking types. “There was one who could swim so we’ve signed him to the Olympic team, one who could catch a ball so Kevin Sheedy has signed him to the new Sydney AFL side and one who could bowl an inswinger so he’s been drafted by the Australian Cricket Team,” stated Sheila. “In fact ex Prime Minister John Howard was so overcome with excitement he came down and gave all three a very special Australian reach around to welcome them to our beautiful country.” It sure is Sheila, but only if we let the right ones in! Go little Johnny, go!
THE GREEN PARTY STATES: “STOP BURNING COAL, BURN YANKS!”
August 18th, 2010