I had the opportunity of filming an episode of Good News Week on Saturday that is going to be aired tonight. (Monday the 9th of August just in case you’re reading this after the fact) I found it to be one of the more difficult episodes to engage with and it had nothing to do with the people I was surrounded by but more the state of Australian politics we had to discuss. I am so alienated by this current election I am doing my best to disengage with the current affairs because it really seems that our choices are between Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey in “Dumb and Dumber”.
Recently on tour with the delightful “Smart Casual” the lads expressed their disbelief that Tony Abbott could be elected Prime Minister. Unfortunately I could remember when we held such conversations about John Howard and look how that turned out. The insincerity that oozes from Abbott’s pores brings bile to my throat every time I look at him. He is everything I hate: a devout Catholic who is anti abortion, anti climate change and anti everything I stand for. The problem though is that he’s running a much smarter campaign than the Labor party and it looks like the title Prime Minister is his for the taking. Do we have another 11 years of narrow-minded decisions and fear based policies taking us further into this newish millennium in front of us? I cannot bear to think about it. The problem is that everyone has underestimated Abbott. He is an astute politician who is probably more in tune with his weaknesses than his opposition and that makes him dangerous. No longer does it seem to be funny to pass him off with comments about staking him during the day while he sleeps, this vampire jogs in the sunlight and doesn’t care who knows.
Meanwhile the Labor party have taken the unlosable election and shat all of over it. First the tragedy of Kevin Rudd. You can’t talk about climate change being the biggest challenge of our era and then put it on the backburner. Every Labor politician should be made to watch the movie Team America so they can learn why it is better to be a dick than a pussy or an asshole. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about check out the clip here.) Don’t get me wrong; the Greens are as much to blame for the ETS failure as the Labor party and that is one reason I will not vote for them. Everyone with half a brain knows that politics is a game of compromise but with the way the Greens helped scuttle the deal I am convinced that while they may have half a brain the other half is quite clearly tofu. Still Labor should have stuck to their guns but this was the first chink in the armour and it turns out Rudd wasn’t even wearing chainmail but at best a polystyrene shield that he would sometimes remember to use.
I have always thought highly of Julia Gillard but I wasn’t certain she was ready for this challenge just yet and it has been proven correct. I take no solace in having fears realised and I will still vote for her but she is turning into our very own Aussie Barbie doll with the many different versions we are being presented with. Turns out so far we have “Politician Julia”, “Footy Moll Julia” and “Real Julia”. I just want one Julia that tells me plainly what she stands for. I first lost faith in her when she appeared on the 7.30 Report and failed to answer a straightforward question from Kerry O’Brien on whether she used the phrase “moving forward” too often in her first speech of the election campaign. Julia said many things in response to this but never answered the question. If Kerry had picked up a large polo mallet and beaten himself to death in frustration I would have sadly applauded his actions. How nice it would have been to have Julia ask how many times she used the term, be told and respond with a laugh, “Wow, that is way too many times. I better cut back, don’t want to appear to be too eager, right?” Julia has the sense of humour and the nous to do that so why doesn’t she bring out “Nike Julia” and just do it?
Then we have the sideshow attractions. Mark Latham is a dog and should be put down, one in the back of the head and one in the face. He is a horrific human being who is the real life answer to Gollum from “Lord of the Rings”. Latham had his heart set on his precious and when it was taken from him he has allowed his dark soul and bitter heart to devour him. Look at him and you can see how it has deformed him physically. I would hate to meet him in person for I believe the stench of his rotting id would overwhelm me physically and emotionally. From the moment he imposed himself on John Howard in a handshake during his election campaign I have had no respect for Latham because he essentially made me have empathy for Howard at that moment and I couldn’t forgive that one iota. I hated Howard and all he stood for but Latham came across as a bully to an old man and bullies are the worst types of people no matter where they come from. If Julia had produced a sword and decapitated Latham on the spot, holding his head triumphantly as a modern day Perseus wielding the Medusa’s head I would say her campaign would have swiftly regained momentum.
And finally today we have the news about Family First candidate Wendy Francis tweeting “Children in homosexual relationships are subject to emotional abuse. Legitimising gay marriage is like legalising child abuse." Nice one Wendy. I don’t think gays should be allowed to have children either. We would have a generation of kids growing up loving the music of the Scissor Sisters and having an appreciation for the finer things in life and we can’t have that. I would much rather kids lived in heterosexual relationships where the father abuses the wife or the Mum is a junkie than the possibility of being raised by two gays. What if they exposed them to their secret gay agenda and they started quoting Oscar Wilde and Quentin Crisp? Crisp once said, “I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum.” What would our Wendy make of that? By the way my Auntie (bless her socks) refers to a woman’s bathing suit area as a “Wendy”. I always found it distasteful until today. Funny that.
I don’t want to leave you with negative vibes so here are some possible positive outcomes: Gillard still might right the ship and win. If Abbott wins it will give me the final incentive to move overseas to live (I can already hear the Liberal voters cheering that one) and it will be a lovely boost to the comedy scene. The Greens might get in and therefore it will become legal to marry a tree. And Latham might be found having an affair with Wendy and hopefully when they try to outrun the paparazzi in their car they could fly off a cliff looking very much like our own “Thelma and Louise”. I will leave it up to you to guess which one is which. In the meantime while I will still vote for Gillard despite my misgivings I still think either Prez or Kerry O’Brien would make the perfect Prime Minister.
Until then I will drink and you can tell me the outcome when I sober up in October.