YESTERDAYS NEWS TODAY WITH NO THOUGHT FOR TOMORROW BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT SOMETIMES!
Brendan Fevolva was accused of slaughtering 600-beached whales yesterday in a Footy Show prank gone wrong. “He’s absolutely shattered,” Dermott Brereton revealed. “He thought they were fat chicks. If only he hadn’t recorded the prank while drunk.” If only!
“I love whales,” Brendan moaned from behind the gate to his new Brisbane home. “I think it is the best part of the UK and would love to go there one day with just the boys.”
“We’re standing by him,” Brisbane Lions coach and hot ranger Michael Voss stated. “If he was just a normal bloke he’d be on death row but when you’re that talented you really deserve as many chances as possible.”
Nice one Vossy!
GREEN ZONE INSPIRES ENROLMENT
New Matt Damon flick “Green Zone” has transformed the battle in Iraq to what we’ve always wanted it to be: fun!
“I just felt bad about all those people dying that didn’t have an opportunity to see me kick arse for them in the movie,” said Matt Damon’s publicist, the Matt Damon marionette from Team America.
“Enrolment is sky high after Green Zone,” said Senior Sergeant Frank Gillroy. “Not only are we getting people enlisting to go over and kick some Commie butt but they’re already turning up juiced and ready to go.”
It turns out most of the new soldiers are ex bouncers and body builders who haven’t slept in sixteen years because of all their “weight training”.
“I saw Green Zone and thought, yeah, this is it,” said Jimmy Pill. “All these years I’ve had one arm for the juice, one for the junk and had to manage my anger issues. Now I can go to Iraq and kick Hitler’s arse.”
Fair call Jimmy and good luck!
ALL CHRISTMASES COME AT ONCE ON CHRISTMAS ISLAND!
Opposition leader Tony Abbott has risen from his coffin to make this statement:
“Christmas Island is set to become a transit lounge for asylum seekers hoping to make it to the Australian mainland,” Abbott claimed before being warded off with garlic. “We’ve had almost 1200 people arrive since the beginning of the year and that would be fine if they were good at sport but since they aren’t then they should go back to whatever countries they came from.”
“No they haven’t,” replied Rudd before smiling just a bit too long. “I’m sure there were more under Howard, he ruled for much longer than me so it is pure mathematics.”
An Aboriginal Spokesman declined to give an official statement but did suggest that boat people had been a problem for a while, since around 1606 and the first boat people were Dutch. I don’t know who’s been smoking the wacky tobaccy with that comment but I can tell you, I’m definitely going to look for some of that good shit!
JESSICA SIMPSON RISES FROM THE DEAD!
In unsubstantiated reports from Hollywood the rotting corpse of Jessica Simpson has risen from the grave and been seen shopping in Beverly Hills.
“She like just came in and like totally demanded that I get her a McFlurry,” said an out of date cliché. “But I was like, totally, this is a clothes shop, we don’t serve ice cream here and then she just screamed and ate one of our customers. Like totally gross!”
When called at her home Jessica Simpson responded with surprise.
“I didn’t even know I was dead,” she exclaimed.
Have you not smelt your career lately lady? Pee-yew!
THERE WILL BE LESS NEWS IN OUR 11.37AM UPDATE…