Couples Retreat

I have one of the best jobs in the world. For the past year and a half I have been the movie reviewer for Perth’s number one breakfast show Botica’s Bunch and I have to say that it is by far the most fun anyone should be allowed to have while earning money. Here’s what I have to do:  I see a movie, have an opinion about it and then talk about it on radio.  And they pay me with real honest to goodness money that can be exchanged for goods and services in this country.

It is just too awesome for words, which is ironic because I have just expressed how awesome it is by using words.  Sometimes I am watching a movie at 10am on a Monday morning and have to stop myself from feeling guilty because I am actually meant to be there!

It is even fun when you see a movie that is shithouse because you then get the opportunity to just let your emotions fly free and really tell the world what you think.   Case in point the latest romantic comedy “Couples Retreat”. If you really love the following actors:  Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman and Kristin Davis avoid Couples Retreat with all your might or you may find yourself burning your copies of Swingers, Arrested Development and Sex and the City out of sheer frustration.

This is the premise of the movie:  four couples that are all friends go away together to a tropical resort to help save one of the couple’s marriage.  Hilarity ensures.  Well it was meant to.  But it never does.  Kill me now. Where do we start?  I hated everything about this movie.  If you told me I had to make a choice between watching this movie again or be punched in the crotch once a month for the rest of the year I’d gladly say goodbye to my ability to ever have children.

Completely unfunny and little more than excuse to have everyone go to an island and film a movie.  I wouldn’t be surprised if all the actors were just taking a vacation together and decided to quickly shoot something so they could pass it off on tax.

Here are some of the moments of comedy gold:  Jason Bateman’s character once had a testicular cancer scare and all the guys make jokes about it.  That is champagne comedy right there.

How about the really overweight guy having to get naked?  Is there anything funnier than seeing a really fat guy in the nude?  Well, it turns out yes, there are hundreds of things funnier and none of them turn up in this movie. Actually nearly all the men in this are overweight.  I don’t need to see Jon Favreau having his man boobs massaged on the big screen.  The only way I want to see Jon Favreau naked is if members of Greenpeace appear and try to push him back out to sea.

This movie has set the women’s movement back to 1958.  Kristen Davis who is great as Charlotte in Sex and the City is completely under utilized in her role and if Carrie, Sam and Miranda ever see this movie she would be stripped of her New York privileges.  Her relationship with Favreau is so repugnant it makes Greg Norman and Chris Evert look like Romeo and Juliet.

There are jokes about men wanting to get themselves off, there are jokes about men being homophobic, there are jokes about men wanting to have sex with younger women even though they’re married to hot wives, there are jokes about women who are too young for older men just using them…the list goes on.  The funniest moment in the movie is when Vaughn’s five-year-old son does a wee in a fake toilet on display in a white goods showroom.  Well-written Oscar Wilde.  And then just in case we didn’t get the joke the movie finishes with the kid back at the fake toilet but now he’s doing a poo.  And that last scene summed up the movie perfectly.

On the show I gave Couples Retreat half a poo in a fake toilet out of five. Of course that didn’t stop it from making 35 million in its opening weekend in the States so what do I know?  Shame I couldn’t finish with the line, “You couldn’t pay me to see this movie” because I was paid to see it.

And that is why this job is the best in the world.

Justin Hamilton